Dealing with grief

All of us, at some point in our lives, will deal with grief, whether it's the loss of a parent, close friend, relationship, job or pet. The loss of a child is considered to be the most devastating loss anyone can experience.

Grief is an overwhelming emotion that is universal and also very personal. In her book On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified five stages of grief, which have since expanded to seven. These include shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, the upward turn, reconstruction and working through, and acceptance and hope. There is no set sequence or time frame for these stages. They can occur in any order, with some stages repeated several times.

Coping with loss is one of the most difficult challenges we will face. It’s a natural part of life, but we can still be overcome by shock, which leads to prolonged episodes of sadness, depression and anxiety. Grieving is an important process that helps overcome these feelings. Mourning a loss takes time, but research has shown that grieving individuals may benefit from some of these strategies to come to terms with it.

1. Accept your feelings and confront reality. Recognize that you have been through a highly stressful experience and acknowledge that you will have a psychological reaction to it, everything from sadness, anger, anxiety, or exhaustion. Refusal to accept your feelings can delay the recovery process. Don’t try to fight them — they will decrease and become less painful with time.
    
2. Express your emotions or find an outlet for them. Talking about the loss with friends, colleagues, or family members has been found to facilitate recovery. Holding things inside delays recovery and coming to terms with the loss. Writing down your feelings can be almost as good as talking about them. When journaling, include some positives that happened during the day, not just the negatives.
    
3. Pay increased attention to your emotional and physical needs. Following a loss, people are more vulnerable to accidents and physical illness. It is important to look after yourself and be more careful than usual, for example, when driving. You may feel unmotivated and apathetic, but try to make time and effort for adequate rest, good nutrition, regular exercise, and other healthy habits. Get plenty of rest, even if you can’t sleep. Try to eat regular and well-balanced meals. Regular exercise such as walking, cycling or jogging helps reduce the physical effects of stress and loss. Reduce your use of stimulants such as coffee, chocolate and cigarettes, as they only add to the stress your body is experiencing. Do not try to numb the pain with drugs or alcohol, as this will only lead to more problems in the long term. Turning to progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, yoga or breathing exercises will be more helpful.
    
4. Practice adaptive self-care. Resume a normal routine as quickly as possible, but take it easy. Do not throw yourself into activities in an attempt to avoid unpleasant feelings and memories. Sometimes you may want to be alone, but try not to become too isolated. Do things you enjoy and be nice to yourself. Try to schedule at least one pleasurable activity each day. Helping others who have been through a similar situation could be important to them and therapeutic for you, too. Do not make any major life decisions, such as moving or changing jobs following a loss. However, make as many small daily decisions as possible. This will help establish a feeling of control over your life.

When the loss involves a loved one, it is important to remember and celebrate their life. Anniversaries can be difficult for friends and family, but they can also be a time for remembering and honouring them. You may decide to collect donations for your loved one's favourite charity, pass on a family name to a baby or plant a garden in their memory. Choose a way to honour them that feels right to you.

People are naturally quite resilient. Most of us can endure loss and then continue on with our lives, but some struggle longer and feel unable to carry out daily activities. Those struggling with grief or complicated grief can benefit from the help of a licensed mental health therapist. In Alberta, Lawyer Assist’s professional counselling services provide grief counselling to lawyers and their family members at 1-877-498-6898.

Additional services are available through Lawyer Assist Peer Support at 1-877-737-5508. There are also several bereavement support groups throughout Alberta. To find out what's available in your region of the province, visit www.informalberta.ca or www.albertahealthservices.ca.

Similar services and programs exist across Canada. To find out what’s  available in your province or territory, contact your lawyer assistance program for guidance.